I can only imagine the depths of God's heart wanting to hug and love our pain away. Sometimes I miss Bryan so much and my own pain is so great I just need to be near him for me. I bend over Bryan's bed holding his head in my arms and just breath. I feel like I am breathing in the very life I need, like God is actually hugging and loving my pain away. And in that stillness, He is. And as God tells my heart it is ok, I tell Bryan. Of course sometimes I am sure I feel Bryan telling me it's ok. He was always such the encourager. God's gift to him and those around him.
The night at the hospital after Bryan's accident, I just sat there with my head bowed praying please Lord, don't let him die. Just writing this is making tears flow. I was so scared. I was prepared in my heart for him to leave, but I told God, if it was His will to take him, take him, "but just so You know God, I don't want him to die." Many were praying Bryan shall live and not die and declare the works of the Lord. The doctors told me he was not going to make it. He did! In the midst of all that, not that I don't have faith, but I never left Bryan's side because if he was going to die, I did not want him to be alone. Of course he wasn't alone, Jesus was right there, but a Mom is a Mom.
It is unbearable to dwell on what happened and God gives me the good sense to bring my focus back to being thankful for the life we have now. Although hard, believe me, very hard, God has given my heart a grace and comfort that can only come from Heaven. I look to Him daily for His help. Bryan requires care 24/7 because he can not do anything for himself. He has traumatic brain injury. Although his care is tiring at times, I can testify, God sustains. I learned that way back as a child. Sometimes, I can not help but weep, but God comes to me in those times and gives me hope.
Because God speaks to us through testimonies of others, here is more of my story of a journey where I found joy in the midst of pain. As a teen, my Mom was a drug dealer. She came to know the Lord later in life. God healed her of hurts and pains she had carried. She has since passed away, I miss her. I don't want to disrespect my Mom, but in my journey, some of the things I went through, God taught me how to not fall apart and be strong. So somethings I will share. If you only knew the depths God redeemed me from.
Particularly hard times were the days drugs were around. I can remember a living room full of people passed out all over the floor from partying the night before and I walked through them to get to the door to walk to church. I had seen enough of what darkness had to offer, I didn't want it. I wanted God. I was hungry for truth and love and goodness, not what I saw around me. I had been raised going to church when I was little so I knew who Jesus was. And I ran to Him. And I fell and got back up and ran to Him again. It was a little hard growing up in the 70's when your own mom was a drug dealer and not do drugs. But like I said, I had seen enough and finally turned my back on it. It surely did not help my pain. But God helped my pain.
Brief (brief as possible) sum up of my pain, kind of a norm for this day and age, bless our hearts. My Mom moved to Fla. from NC and I was not around my Grandma anymore, broke my heart. She always tells me the story that I had told my Mom, if no one was going to take me to see my Grandma Betty Ball, I was gonna walk! She loves that story, I do, too. I also left my Grandma Dorthy and Grand Fathers. Both sets of grandparents were in same town. My Mom worked nights and I was all alone in the day while she slept. I explored a lot outside, alone, and I have a vague memory of talking to Jesus. I had learned about him in Sunday school. I would have to say early on I needed Him.
My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 6. My heart was more broken for my Daddy than for me. I saw his pain and it hurt. And I missed him. We moved back to NC. He stayed in Fla. So far away. He used to tuck me in every night and often sing to me with his guitar. I loved my Dad. And then he just wasn't there. That was hard. And I knew he missed me, that was hard. My mom remarried, that was not hard, my step dad was great. But then my mom started doing drugs, they split up.
My mom worked and sold drugs and I kind of became Mom to my younger brother and sisters. I cooked, cleaned, did their homework, my homework, got them off to school and then myself off to school and had a straight A average and held it together pretty good. But that was a lot of stress for a teenager. That wasn't the painful or hard part though. My mom just disappeared, SHE JUST LEFT, didn't tell anyone where she was. My one aunt told me she was gone. My Step Dad took my younger sisters and brother and my older brother and I had to find a place to live. I died inside not having my little sisters and brother around. I loved them. My mom leaving didn't compare to the pain of missing them.
I don't really like talking about all the pain, I want more to share how God gave me grace and joy and love through it all. But to understand the extent God's joy went, you'd have to know how deep the pain went. It got worse. I'm stopping here for now. I was 15 years old. I wanted goodness and God and all kinds of bad things were happening around me. So deep in my heart I started to turn to Him for comfort, He taught me where to run, I don't remember when HIS JOY replaced the pain, but it did. And that JOY remained and carried me through Bryan's accident and the pain of missing him now. He needs a miracle. He is a step above semi-comatose, he makes sighs when I hug him or moans if he does not like something, so he is aware, he just can't communicate. He is bed ridden. He can't do anything for himself, he has a trach and a feeding tube. We care for him at home and love him very deeply. Next time I write, I want to share Bryan's heart on Grace. What he was thinking before the accident, what he had learned on his journey. I am so proud of that boy!
I'll write more soon on His story. I just had to let you know how God prepared me for Bryan's accident. I will be sharing our pain, God's comfort, a message of hope! It is a work in progress that I will be sharing on my blog with the plans to one day write a book. My prayer is that my art and our story will be a blessing. I will publish when I am done. Please pray God helps me write. I invite you to be a part of this journey and believe with us for Bryan's healing. We appreciate your prayers! He was going into missions before his accident and I was going to sale my paintings to support those missions. Now I will support other missions in his honor. This is my way to carry on for him. It is like he still gets to go on missions around the world. If you would like to share Part One of his story, you can share this about page link, www.pamherrick.com/inspirational-prophetic-art-and-story.html or share this blog post. For more Art, Please like my Facebook Art Page at https://www.facebook.com/Propheticartjustforyou , select get notifications from the like button to be notified of new art or stories. Also, for cool ideas, recipes and artsy stuff, you can follow me on Pinterest at https://www.pinterest.com/JFYPropheticArt/
If you know someone who would be blessed by our story, please share it. I hope it finds it's way to hearts that will be touched and helped. Also, if interested, you can purchase a painting or print, now or in the future. I am not doing a sales pitch, I am making known your purchases make a difference! It helps me share God's love through art, and carries on a good work in Bryan's honor. I support missions through my art. Being a blessing is what this ministry is about. Thank you so much! God bless you!
Love, BRYAN'S MOM (Pam). ......more about Bryan and his Mom (me) below. I have included pics of his room where I take care of him.