I stay up all night with Bryan and sometimes in the wee hours despair tries to steal my heart. In regards to Bryan, my heart broke over and over with missing him and waiting on a miracle. It still breaks. It hurts. But in the midst of this pain, God does give me comfort and hope. I keep praying for a miracle. I will never stop. So many people are praying for Bryan right now, any new little thing I see I get all excited. I am thinking he is going to be healed! Two nights ago, I laid hands on him and told him to be healed in Jesus name, he was looking right at me. That has only happened a few times that he locks his eyes right on you. I prayed for quite awhile and hot tears ran down my face, they wouldn't stop! I told God, this is how this thing is suppose to work. You said believers would lay hands on the sick and they would recover, so You have to do this thing. I was serious, this is how it is suppose to work. So, I am am going to continue to believe for it. I keep telling Bryan he will go on missions all around the world like he was called to do. I know his spirit hears me. I also give him prayer request and tell him things you guys say. He has a lot of time in the bed and I am sure he likes things to occupy his thoughts!
I just wanted to say today, our battles give us strength and then we can help others. In part one, I left off where I was 15 years old. I did not share what happened right after that. It got bad. My mom let us know where she was, I went to live with her. She was still doing drugs. There was little food. I went to school, but got out early each day for a work/school program. The first thing I did when I got to work was take a break because we got one free meal. I had not had breakfast or the lunch at school. I was starving. Often that was the only meal I had for the day. And when I was not scheduled to work, there was not much to eat at home. The boss asked me why I took my break right away. I was embarrassed to tell him why, but I did. It was a hard time for me. On two different times there were rape attempts, I got away. I needed my mom. A drug addicted person can not be there for you. But God was there for me. I went into the bathroom, shut the door, got down on my hands and knees and prayed, God help me. I don't want to live like this, I can't take it. I was very, very, sad. I wept bitterly, and then suddenly, a peace came over me like I had never felt before. I know I felt God that day, I felt His Presence in that bathroom. The idea popped in my head to ask my Aunt Harriet if I could come live with her and go to a Christian school. I stood up off my knees. I felt hopeful and purposeful and all the pain was gone. It was just gone. I will never forget that feeling of peace. I visit it often. I asked my Aunt and she said I could live with her. I thank God she and her family opened their hearts and took me in. My life could have gone down a dark path back then. I saw so much ugliness, I did not want it. I have a soft heart. I wanted goodness. I wanted God. He helped me find Him!
To understand the joy I have in the Lord, and how deep His joy goes, in part one I said you would have to know how deep the pain went. Jump back to something that happened as a little girl I did not tell about. I was being a typical kid having been put to bed and sneaking back out because I did not want to go to bed. I was hanging out in the hall. My parents did not see me. I heard my Mother tell my Father she wished I had never been born. I don't remember how I processed that. I remember it hurt. I never forgot it. When I got older I felt so bad for that little girl standing in the hall not knowing what to do. I just wanted to hug her! I confronted my mother in my teens and she denied it. I knew what I heard. In my twenties, she admitted it and said I had been a bad child that day. That sure did not help me feel any better. I was a kid, kids are bad some days, that does not mean you wish they were not born. God took the pain from my heart that my mom did not even know I had. Later in my twenties I learned of scripture that said when your Mother and Father forsake you (a note to my biological Dad, you did not forsake me...just an example of scripture), The Lord will lift you up. I needed that scripture because I needed my Mom and she was not there. Later in life she did get right with the Lord, but not until I was in my thirties. She was still doing drugs and there were the troubles that go with that. Great troubles and sadness.
I will write the next time about how my husband and I got back together because of God's grace and a choice of Love. Sometimes it is not easy. Our family has been through tremendous stress. My husband and I had troubles before Bryan's accident. He is a recovering alcoholic, there were times he was not recovering. Only God can satisfy and give us true happiness and healing. Sometimes we are busy trying to make ourselves feel better with things, with food, with shopping, with TV, and for an addict, with drugs or alcohol. Those things will not take the pain away. It is a hard thing sometimes to say search my heart Lord and if there is anything there that needs to be taken out, take it. And sometimes, the enemy has beaten us down so low, our pain is so deep, we don't know how to feel better so we just keep trying with things that don't work. If you stop your world, drop down on your knees, and say "help me Lord", He will help you. He will help you with every battle you have. He will help with your pain and struggles. He will help your marriage, Just keep looking to Him. If you make a mistake, don't run away in shame, run to Him over and over again. He will give you Hope. Just lay down the things that hurt you at His feet at the cross. Lay it all down and let Him Love you. Call out to Him. He will come. He will love you and give you grace to love others. Your life can change in one prayer. And it can be as simple as Help me Jesus.
You can follow me on my Facebook community page to be notified of future art or stories, just hit the like button on the page and from that same button select get notifications. You can find part one at the bottom of my blog or on lion pic in the comment section of post pinned to the top of my Art page. That Lion pic has all my stories so far inside it and can be shared. I will continue to add stories here and there. Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope my stories and art bless you! Please share if you know someone who would be touched. Thank you so much! God bless!