🤎
He is with us in our darkest hour.
He is with us in our darkest hour.
He was always there.
You know, I realized I completely forgot some major things that happened before we went back to North Carolina where my mother eventually left us, and before I finally landed at my father's house in Florida. I kept thinking when I was telling these stories that something was missing. Almost all of my siblings have the hardest time putting the pieces of our timelines together. Except for my older brother—he actually has a perfect, uncanny memory. But for the rest of us, we usually have to count things by the houses we lived in—like when we were in the White House, or when we were in the greenhouse—because we can remember the structures, but the towns and the exact ages get blurred by the trauma.
I am actually the oldest female. My oldest younger sister is 8 years younger than me. The next sister is 10 years younger, and my little brother is 12 years younger. So when I was 15 years old, you can do the math on how old they were: they were only 7, 5, and 3 years old.
I had looked after them since I was only 8 years old. My mother and stepfather actually left me overnight to babysit my oldest younger sister when she was just an infant—and not only her, but their friend's two-year-old, too! They left me completely alone, and they paid me with candy bars when they got back. I can still remember my mom saying how responsible I was, which actually made me feel a little bit proud at the time, but a whole lot was being put on my plate. I can still remember my baby sister crying in the night, and I would be the one to go in, get her out of the crib, and walk her up and down the hall to comfort her until she stopped crying.
When I left off at age 15 in my story, my mom actually decided to get back with my stepfather for a brief time, and we moved to a town called Churchland, in Virginia.
This is the town where my running actually started. I began running just to deal with the heavy emotions of everything—but I wasn’t running alone. I ran with my Afghan hound, Sage. I loved that dog so much; he was my friend. While everything else was spinning out of control, we would run together. Outside of those runs, I walked to school as well there because I was too shy to get on the school bus. I absolutely hated being there. I didn’t know a single soul. At the time, I was still with my boyfriend, so I had to leave him behind, and that hurt deeply. I didn't have my driver's license yet, so I had to completely depend on other people just to take me to see him. He still lived in North Carolina so he was a whole state away.
We weren't in Churchland for very long, but while we were there, things got incredibly bad.
My boyfriend cheated on me. One of my friends told me about it, and I cried so much—I cried for a whole day nonstop, just unable to stop the tears. And then, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I went to the bathroom because my stomach was hurting so badly, and there was a lot of blood. A very small fetus came out. Not fully formed, but recognizable.
I was entirely devastated. I cried even more, and my whole body just shook. It was just horrible.
One of my aunts happened to stop by—the very one whose trailer I went to live in later on. She walked in and said, "Oh my God, what happened?" I told her, and she tried her best to comfort me, but she was only there for a little bit before she had to leave.
The next day, I was still really upset. My mom was getting ready to go to work, and I tried to tell her what had happened. I was desperately needing some comfort, some love. She just ignored me, kept putting on her makeup, and brushed it off. She told me it was probably just a blood clot.
I said, "No, Mom, I saw it."
She just tried to tell me no, it wasn't. She gave me no comfort whatsoever. She just went on about her business and left, and I went back to my bedroom and just cried with my dog.
There was a lot more that went on there, but that was my most tragic memory from Churchland.
After that, my mom decided to leave my stepfather again and go back to her boyfriend in a completely different town in North Carolina.
The whole family went. Once again I found myself in a town where I didn’t know anybody. It was from that house in that new town—where my mom eventually just vanished and left us. While we were there, I did manage to get my driver's license, and my ex-boyfriend started coming to see me again. Looking back, it was kind of stupid of me to take him back, but I really loved him.
I realized I hadn't told you where the running and all those heavy emotions actually started. There were a couple of towns and some really bad things in the middle of the timeline that left me in even more of a mess by the time I landed at my father's house in Florida in part 60. I was a teenager in a massive crisis, and I truly needed comfort.
Honestly, looking back, there was no one really ever there for me. Except Jesus.
🦁
Little did I know my life was about to get worse.
Part 60 here: My Mom Just Left Us
Part 62 coming soon 💙🍃
I know this story was heavy. But it shows God was there all along, even in the dark places. Especially the dark places. I was learning to turn to Him more and more.
If you would like to follow my continuing book,
you can read my art and story blog here: Blog
Or see The Girl Who Chased Horses page where you can find new stories as I write them,
here: The Girl Who Chased Horses
For encouraging art visit my gallery here : Gallery
Blessings,
Pam
I created the art in the video below just for my story. It is the Lion of Judah in the sky and my beloved dog, Sage, running over the bridge.
🤎
I am actually the oldest female. My oldest younger sister is 8 years younger than me. The next sister is 10 years younger, and my little brother is 12 years younger. So when I was 15 years old, you can do the math on how old they were: they were only 7, 5, and 3 years old.
I had looked after them since I was only 8 years old. My mother and stepfather actually left me overnight to babysit my oldest younger sister when she was just an infant—and not only her, but their friend's two-year-old, too! They left me completely alone, and they paid me with candy bars when they got back. I can still remember my mom saying how responsible I was, which actually made me feel a little bit proud at the time, but a whole lot was being put on my plate. I can still remember my baby sister crying in the night, and I would be the one to go in, get her out of the crib, and walk her up and down the hall to comfort her until she stopped crying.
When I left off at age 15 in my story, my mom actually decided to get back with my stepfather for a brief time, and we moved to a town called Churchland, in Virginia.
This is the town where my running actually started. I began running just to deal with the heavy emotions of everything—but I wasn’t running alone. I ran with my Afghan hound, Sage. I loved that dog so much; he was my friend. While everything else was spinning out of control, we would run together. Outside of those runs, I walked to school as well there because I was too shy to get on the school bus. I absolutely hated being there. I didn’t know a single soul. At the time, I was still with my boyfriend, so I had to leave him behind, and that hurt deeply. I didn't have my driver's license yet, so I had to completely depend on other people just to take me to see him. He still lived in North Carolina so he was a whole state away.
We weren't in Churchland for very long, but while we were there, things got incredibly bad.
My boyfriend cheated on me. One of my friends told me about it, and I cried so much—I cried for a whole day nonstop, just unable to stop the tears. And then, I had a miscarriage. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I went to the bathroom because my stomach was hurting so badly, and there was a lot of blood. A very small fetus came out. Not fully formed, but recognizable.
I was entirely devastated. I cried even more, and my whole body just shook. It was just horrible.
One of my aunts happened to stop by—the very one whose trailer I went to live in later on. She walked in and said, "Oh my God, what happened?" I told her, and she tried her best to comfort me, but she was only there for a little bit before she had to leave.
The next day, I was still really upset. My mom was getting ready to go to work, and I tried to tell her what had happened. I was desperately needing some comfort, some love. She just ignored me, kept putting on her makeup, and brushed it off. She told me it was probably just a blood clot.
I said, "No, Mom, I saw it."
She just tried to tell me no, it wasn't. She gave me no comfort whatsoever. She just went on about her business and left, and I went back to my bedroom and just cried with my dog.
There was a lot more that went on there, but that was my most tragic memory from Churchland.
After that, my mom decided to leave my stepfather again and go back to her boyfriend in a completely different town in North Carolina.
The whole family went. Once again I found myself in a town where I didn’t know anybody. It was from that house in that new town—where my mom eventually just vanished and left us. While we were there, I did manage to get my driver's license, and my ex-boyfriend started coming to see me again. Looking back, it was kind of stupid of me to take him back, but I really loved him.
I realized I hadn't told you where the running and all those heavy emotions actually started. There were a couple of towns and some really bad things in the middle of the timeline that left me in even more of a mess by the time I landed at my father's house in Florida in part 60. I was a teenager in a massive crisis, and I truly needed comfort.
Honestly, looking back, there was no one really ever there for me. Except Jesus.
🦁
Little did I know my life was about to get worse.
Part 60 here: My Mom Just Left Us
Part 62 coming soon 💙🍃
I know this story was heavy. But it shows God was there all along, even in the dark places. Especially the dark places. I was learning to turn to Him more and more.
If you would like to follow my continuing book,
you can read my art and story blog here: Blog
Or see The Girl Who Chased Horses page where you can find new stories as I write them,
here: The Girl Who Chased Horses
For encouraging art visit my gallery here : Gallery
Blessings,
Pam
I created the art in the video below just for my story. It is the Lion of Judah in the sky and my beloved dog, Sage, running over the bridge.
🤎
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