You were meant for so much more!
Ever wonder why your beauty is so attacked? Why the enemy seems to slip the rug right out from under you making you question yourself all the time? I mean, like all the time! Maybe you are one lucky ones with a super healthy self esteem. I wasn't. I want to share a little bit of my story but first I want to tell you, you are beautifully and fearfully made. A master creation from Lord God Almighty. The enemy hates you. Let's put that out there. He sees your beauty and will do anything he can to take it from you. Don't let him. What a liar he is. Please, the beauty God gave you is untouchable by the enemy. Let that rise up. Take a quiet time with God. Somewhere you will not be interrupted. Get out a sheet of paper and a pen. Bow your head and pray, "Lord, I am going to write myself a love letter from You. I ask you to let my pen flow with Your words. I promise I will write down what ever I hear in my heart. Even if it sounds extra extravagant. Because I know you Love me, but I need to hear words you have just for me." Important, get the pen and paper. You will want a couple extra pieces incase the words keep coming! Let me know what He says to you in the comments. I cried after I read mine. I was stunned actually. God is so good to us. Write that letter and listen to what God says. It will give you power to Ignore the enemy you hear in your mind. God's love is greater than any lie the enemy is trying to tell you! Let the Lion of the Tribe of Judah roar healing over you! Let Him blow off every lie. Until only you stand there, the way God meant you to be. His beautiful perfect creation He is proud of. That is who you are!
With all that said, I don't even want to share my story now. I've been through some stuff for sure. I will share more thoroughly later. For now just a tiny bit to show God's redeeming love. This will be brief, but painful realities, realities that shaped mercy and grace. That shaped a heart that knows pain in others when I see it. I feel it instantly. I know those of you that have walked a similar path know what I am talking about. And that part in you, that broken part, is where God is going to spill out onto others that so desperately need a healing touch from God. The enemy has beat them up so bad with lies. Let's let the love pour out so it can heal the broken hearted. God wants the broken hearted healed. He loves them.
So my brief story, I'm 62 years old by the way, it's not brief, but I will make it that way. Just going to list my worst memories. Don't feel bad. God healed me of all them.
1. My mother almost let me die because I drank furniture polish remover while she was not watching me. I was 18 months old. She fixed her hair and put make up on before she took me to the hospital. I almost died. I was in a coma. My grandparents were livid. The enemy was happy he almost killed me.
2. I over heard my mother tell my father she wish I had never been born. I carried that weight as a small child. I was five years old. I never told her I heard that until I was a teenager. She denied it. Then in my twenties she admitted she said it but said I was being a difficult child that day. There was no apology, I was blamed for it.
3. My mother was a drug addict and alcoholic, and left me to do all the mothering to my siblings. Even at eight years old, she left me overnight alone with my infant sister and her friends 2 year old daughter to babysit. They paid me with candy bars. What you remember! I didn't mind all the mothering to my siblings because it allowed me to protect them from her. No one knew what went on back in those days. I don't even think my siblings knew fully. Thank God.
4. Drugs. It was the 70's. My mother was a drug dealer. Need I say more. I did drugs. But God..., I had a good youth pastor that didn't judge me. He would come and sit on the front steps and ask how I was doing. I turned my back on all the drugs. I would literally step over people passed out on the living room floor from Saturday night partying with my mother, so I could walk to church. My mother hated me for it. I made her look bad. I had seen enough of darkness. I didn't want it. I got saved. I wanted to be a missionary. I got married instead. Thinking I would build the beautiful life I had imagined. It didn't happen the way I intended
5. I escaped my alcoholic narcissist mother to marry an alcoholic narcissistic husband. Don't worry. God is healing him, too. But I suffered literally decades of abuse. I was with him since I was 17 years old. I did divorce and remarry because he said he would stop drinking. I believed him. He didn't stop drinking after I remarried him. AND.... I did not know what narcissistic abuse was. I don't think that many people did back in those days. So I endured almost two more decades of abuse. Altogether 45 years. And by God's grace, there was still this little child's heart in me that believed things would change. That my husband would treat me right. All my life I was worried for the other persons happiness. Felt guilty if I thought of myself. I am healed from a lot of that now, still healing. But glory to God. I know my worth.
6. Throw in there somewhere in the middle of number five. My precious son, the baby of the family was hit by two cars while walking. He survived. But has severe traumatic brain injury. He can't do anything for himself. That was May 23, 2009. He was 22 years old. Deep breath when ever I type that date. My husband left me soon after I brought Bryan home from the hospital. When I needed him the most. He does help me take care of him now though. And things are better. But there is a heaviness in my heart longing for my son's healing. Many people have prayed for him for years. With all that is going on in the world right now in regards to a revival like I have never seen, I am hopeful and my expectancy is stirred to see Bryan's miracle!
7. Worst of all, everything I love was stripped away from me slowly by the narcissistic abuse to the point I didn't even want to live. But on Mother's Day of this year, I learned what Narcissistic abuse is and all the lights went on. And I got my dignity back. I had a strong sense of self and the Love of God because of all He had carried me through, so there was still enough of a strong me in there somewhere. I was still there. If that makes sense. You tend to lose yourself after narcissistic abuse. That's that beautiful part in you that I am telling you to let rise up. It's there! God put it there. It's YOU!
8. I lost my art over the years. Always painting since I was little. About the time I would start again my heart would be too heavy from the things you endure with an alcoholic and a narcissist. I literally went decades without painting. I stopped decorating for Christmas. I stopped creating. I stopped dancing. I stopped all the beautiful things. And that darkness I hated so much was always grabbing at my worth and dignity. But God showed me me again. I'm going to be ok.
I'm painting again to share hope! To reach the broken hearted. To go right smack to those broken places and say, I see you! I've been there. I know how you are feeling. God is going to raise you up out of it! You are Loved! You are Safe! You are Held! You will shine again!
God bless you! And I love you!
Pam
Ever wonder why your beauty is so attacked? Why the enemy seems to slip the rug right out from under you making you question yourself all the time? I mean, like all the time! Maybe you are one lucky ones with a super healthy self esteem. I wasn't. I want to share a little bit of my story but first I want to tell you, you are beautifully and fearfully made. A master creation from Lord God Almighty. The enemy hates you. Let's put that out there. He sees your beauty and will do anything he can to take it from you. Don't let him. What a liar he is. Please, the beauty God gave you is untouchable by the enemy. Let that rise up. Take a quiet time with God. Somewhere you will not be interrupted. Get out a sheet of paper and a pen. Bow your head and pray, "Lord, I am going to write myself a love letter from You. I ask you to let my pen flow with Your words. I promise I will write down what ever I hear in my heart. Even if it sounds extra extravagant. Because I know you Love me, but I need to hear words you have just for me." Important, get the pen and paper. You will want a couple extra pieces incase the words keep coming! Let me know what He says to you in the comments. I cried after I read mine. I was stunned actually. God is so good to us. Write that letter and listen to what God says. It will give you power to Ignore the enemy you hear in your mind. God's love is greater than any lie the enemy is trying to tell you! Let the Lion of the Tribe of Judah roar healing over you! Let Him blow off every lie. Until only you stand there, the way God meant you to be. His beautiful perfect creation He is proud of. That is who you are!
With all that said, I don't even want to share my story now. I've been through some stuff for sure. I will share more thoroughly later. For now just a tiny bit to show God's redeeming love. This will be brief, but painful realities, realities that shaped mercy and grace. That shaped a heart that knows pain in others when I see it. I feel it instantly. I know those of you that have walked a similar path know what I am talking about. And that part in you, that broken part, is where God is going to spill out onto others that so desperately need a healing touch from God. The enemy has beat them up so bad with lies. Let's let the love pour out so it can heal the broken hearted. God wants the broken hearted healed. He loves them.
So my brief story, I'm 62 years old by the way, it's not brief, but I will make it that way. Just going to list my worst memories. Don't feel bad. God healed me of all them.
1. My mother almost let me die because I drank furniture polish remover while she was not watching me. I was 18 months old. She fixed her hair and put make up on before she took me to the hospital. I almost died. I was in a coma. My grandparents were livid. The enemy was happy he almost killed me.
2. I over heard my mother tell my father she wish I had never been born. I carried that weight as a small child. I was five years old. I never told her I heard that until I was a teenager. She denied it. Then in my twenties she admitted she said it but said I was being a difficult child that day. There was no apology, I was blamed for it.
3. My mother was a drug addict and alcoholic, and left me to do all the mothering to my siblings. Even at eight years old, she left me overnight alone with my infant sister and her friends 2 year old daughter to babysit. They paid me with candy bars. What you remember! I didn't mind all the mothering to my siblings because it allowed me to protect them from her. No one knew what went on back in those days. I don't even think my siblings knew fully. Thank God.
4. Drugs. It was the 70's. My mother was a drug dealer. Need I say more. I did drugs. But God..., I had a good youth pastor that didn't judge me. He would come and sit on the front steps and ask how I was doing. I turned my back on all the drugs. I would literally step over people passed out on the living room floor from Saturday night partying with my mother, so I could walk to church. My mother hated me for it. I made her look bad. I had seen enough of darkness. I didn't want it. I got saved. I wanted to be a missionary. I got married instead. Thinking I would build the beautiful life I had imagined. It didn't happen the way I intended
5. I escaped my alcoholic narcissist mother to marry an alcoholic narcissistic husband. Don't worry. God is healing him, too. But I suffered literally decades of abuse. I was with him since I was 17 years old. I did divorce and remarry because he said he would stop drinking. I believed him. He didn't stop drinking after I remarried him. AND.... I did not know what narcissistic abuse was. I don't think that many people did back in those days. So I endured almost two more decades of abuse. Altogether 45 years. And by God's grace, there was still this little child's heart in me that believed things would change. That my husband would treat me right. All my life I was worried for the other persons happiness. Felt guilty if I thought of myself. I am healed from a lot of that now, still healing. But glory to God. I know my worth.
6. Throw in there somewhere in the middle of number five. My precious son, the baby of the family was hit by two cars while walking. He survived. But has severe traumatic brain injury. He can't do anything for himself. That was May 23, 2009. He was 22 years old. Deep breath when ever I type that date. My husband left me soon after I brought Bryan home from the hospital. When I needed him the most. He does help me take care of him now though. And things are better. But there is a heaviness in my heart longing for my son's healing. Many people have prayed for him for years. With all that is going on in the world right now in regards to a revival like I have never seen, I am hopeful and my expectancy is stirred to see Bryan's miracle!
7. Worst of all, everything I love was stripped away from me slowly by the narcissistic abuse to the point I didn't even want to live. But on Mother's Day of this year, I learned what Narcissistic abuse is and all the lights went on. And I got my dignity back. I had a strong sense of self and the Love of God because of all He had carried me through, so there was still enough of a strong me in there somewhere. I was still there. If that makes sense. You tend to lose yourself after narcissistic abuse. That's that beautiful part in you that I am telling you to let rise up. It's there! God put it there. It's YOU!
8. I lost my art over the years. Always painting since I was little. About the time I would start again my heart would be too heavy from the things you endure with an alcoholic and a narcissist. I literally went decades without painting. I stopped decorating for Christmas. I stopped creating. I stopped dancing. I stopped all the beautiful things. And that darkness I hated so much was always grabbing at my worth and dignity. But God showed me me again. I'm going to be ok.
I'm painting again to share hope! To reach the broken hearted. To go right smack to those broken places and say, I see you! I've been there. I know how you are feeling. God is going to raise you up out of it! You are Loved! You are Safe! You are Held! You will shine again!
God bless you! And I love you!
Pam
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