PART 51: God desires you live life to the fullest! Let Him hold your hand and show you the world! There is no good thing He withholds from you. He is not mad at you! The very message of the Gospel is the Good News, Jesus set you free! He set you free from the things that tried to keep you in bondage. He has set you free from fear. He has set you free from guilt. His Mercy is new every morning! Every morning! You get that? EVERY morning! God's plans for you are good. 

I spent probably half my life trying to be good enough for God's love! Religion told me I had to be. I had to dress a certain way, I had to certainly be good and not make a mistake. Yes, I knew God loved me, but in my mind, because He had to, because He was God, not because He really loved "me". I went to a private Christian school where I was told no make up, no pants (girls don't wear pants according to religion), no short dresses (above mid calve lower leg), and certainly no dancing. And honestly, the examples around me were not that loving. Many drank pickle juice every chance they got! They kind of looked down on me. I shared some of that in earlier stories and will share more soon. I have had a few personal challenges lately and not able to paint or write stories. This week I should be back on track. Thank you to those who were praying for me! 

Here is the thing. Somewhere, someway, God revealed to my heart He actually likes me! And I talk to Him all day long. All the time. And when I say something I shouldn't have to someone, I pretty much know it right away. And sometimes.... oh my, I know it before I say it, and then dog on if I don't still say it anyway! I do that less now, because, well, I started listening a little more to His voice in my heart than mine. Nothing on my doing. He just speaks really loud sometimes! I am so thankful I learned He loved me. I am so thankful I learned He loves me right where I am. Oh what a joy! He loves you right where you are! You are just absolutely precious and a bundle of joy to Him! He does not look at the mistakes you made, or will make. He is looking at His pride and joy, you, the creation dear to His heart. Jesus died for anything that would keep you from His love. It is a fact. If you hesitate to believe that, ask Him to help you! Just be a kid. Got a problem, go to your Daddy (God). Make a mistake, don't turn and run....I did this, I know what that feels like. In your worst of worst times, turn to Him. He is there. It is easier to have His help than to run. Stay and know He loves you through that mess you might be going through! Nothing stops His love. 

We all make mistakes. There is no need to beat yourself up about it. The very thought of feeling bad is proof God is wooing your heart, not to judge you, but to love you and walk with you through that thing! He will never leave you or forsake you! I find my walk with the Lord to be a simple one where I just believe what He said when He said He loved us. And I have this as my guide... the scripture that in my mind, says what the will of God is. Which is this, Micah 6:8: It hath been told thee, O man, what is good, and what the Lord doth require of thee: only to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God. (Jewish Publication Society Bible)

That is not so hard, right? Justice (doing good), love mercy (take a big portion of that for yourself! it is not just for others!), and walk humbly. That does not mean you walk like a no good worm. It means you know you are a treasure of God and look to him for your direction, your worth, your marching orders. He is the Captain that we know and trust. You may be a mighty warrior. What glory is there to God if you act like a worm? God's goodness is a very real thing to shout from the mountain tops for the evangelist! There are many callings and gifts made for each individual, YOU will touch lives with your calling and gifts. And you will enjoy life, also, because that is first, relationship, YOUR walk with God. Him taking you by your hand and showing YOU the world! Stepping back in shyness or false humility, what good does that do for the Kingdom of God? And by the way, I feel the need to take up for the worm! It is a remarkable creature that does a great job at what God created it to be! We would be in a mess without them. There are so many parts of the body of Christ, and they all are needed. Don't shrink back from the stirrings of your heart that God put in there! 

Those stirrings don't have to be to go and evangelize the world! You might not run a crusade that will lead thousands to Jesus, but you know what, you can run the crusade in your household and win the souls of your children for the Lord! You can have a Bible study in your house if you have the gift of teaching. And guess what, you can have a Bible study in your house even if you do not have the gift of teaching! You can all just reason together, or God might send a teacher! You might have the gift of hospitality that a teacher might lack. The teacher might not have a Bible study because the thought is just to overwhelming to them, but you may love to be a hostess and are good at it and start a study with the teacher. You may be called into a group, led there by the Lord, because He put an anointing on you for healing. You may be called into a group because you are the peace maker, or have the gift of mercy! You may be the one that makes everyone feel at home! There are countless gifts and callings! We are in this together! We are all growing in the knowledge of our Lord. It is a beautiful thing. No need to worry! He is the Author and finisher of your faith! YOU WILL GET THERE! And He will work through each of us to help others get there!

Pride is the flip side of humility...we don't want to go there, and not know in our heart our gift is from the Lord.  We don't want to lean on our gift and not God, thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought. You are what you are because God made you. So, on one end, if you shy away from what God put in your heart, just keep pondering it and pray for boldness. If you are leaning on your gift and forgetting God, remember to thank Him and ask Him what more can you do for Him. 


It all boils down to life. To living. The most precious parts are the ones the Lord put around you. Never go off to minister to the world, like the prize is out there somewhere, and neglect your own family. The prize is enjoying the gifts God gave to you of a wife, husband, or children. If you chose not to have a family, your prize is the fullness of His love in your heart and the world He touches you with. The kindness you see in the eyes of others! Treasures and blessings everywhere! We all need to be sure to take the time to enjoy the life He gave us. Have our love cup full so we have to pour out to the world. (I need some more love cup filling this week! Been a hard one.) Be a kid in your heart towards God and know He looks on you with love. If something happened you feel bad about, just say you are sorry. There is not suppose to be condemnation to the children of God, we just say we are sorry and move on. If you are not a child of God, He wants you to be. You just ask Jesus to save you and He will. He will make you a new creation on the inside, born into God's kingdom, born again. It is a spirit thing, that happens to your spirit, and then He, the Spirit of Truth will teach you. It all comes from just asking Him to be your savior. That is where your journey of peace begins. The Good News! Old things passed away, behold all things new! Just like that! His mercies are new every morning so we can say we are sorry if He showed us somewhere  we messed up. It is a relationship of love. He will teach you and guide you. You just let Him love you and let Him teach you how to do that to others. Do Justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before your God. And He helps you do it! Win, win!

Practice knowing how precious your are to God. Practice it until you know it! Think every flower you see, He grew just for you. Think that beautiful cloud you saw, He meant for you to see. When you see the leaves on trees blowing, feel it, and know God is touching you with His love. Notice all the love He put around you! You noticing that, is the forming of a beautiful relationship. Walk with God. He really, really likes you! He loves to see you happy! He loves to bless you. It is His desire to bless you! Practice, practice, practice, until you do not hesitate to come boldly to the throne of grace in your time of need. Our Fathers face is never turned away from us. Only one time ever did He turn His face, and that was on Jesus, so that He could look on you with Love. Don't waste that! Jesus died for it. And Jesus is so proud to have presented you to God. You are a trophy! You are special to the Lord! You are loved so very, very, much! You are safe in that love, He won't pull it back, ever! When I get a little overwhelmed or feel I made a mistake I should say I am sorry for. I say I am sorry, and then take the time to take a very deep breath, many actually, to breathe in God's love and I tell myself, He is right here with me, to just shake it all off, dust myself off and carry on! Whatever I did wrong, is now in the past because I asked God to forgive me. And that is what God does with our sin, throws it far from us, as far as the east is from the west, gone! To never be remembered. Talk about humble. Don't bring that thing back up when you know God forgave it! Amen!? You are just loved, don't forget it! Pass it on! It is Good News! 

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Thank you so much! God bless you! Love Pam, Bryan's Mom!

Love is not always easy! Seems like a daily choice of dusting yourself off and choosing it again! But what a powerful choice it is! I came across this message written last year. Here is it: Just want to share a thought. I have had long talks with God (lots of time on my hands by Bryan's side) and such a hunger to see His power manifested. I am convinced beyond anything His greatness is manifested in the smallest act of kindness (love). That is where His power in our hearts is released.

Something so deep and profound happens in our hearts when we witness a kind gesture, like a mom kissing her baby, someone jumping in the water and saving someone, someone at a check out with not enough money and a stranger pays the bill. Our hearts swell with, well, LOVE.
It is caring. There is such a hunger in humanity for God's Love.

You allowing His Love to flow to others is TANGIBLE, God's Spirit flows to them. The world needs it, the Church needs it, I need it. We need God's Love, not religion, not condemnation.

I think in the modern church sometimes, our taught religious reactions mess us up and meaning to help others, we often harm them in an attempt to teach them how God wants them to be. Forgetting that is the Holy Spirit's job. He is very good at conviction, and it comes to the person in a manner they respond to. Each person is at a different place in their journey with Him. It is not our job to try to make them where "we" think they should be. It is our job to LOVE them.

I know nothing I am saying is new, but my heart is so heavy just to see Him. I believe that if we remember to LOVE and not judge or condemn...and I know we don't mean to do that, we are trying to help...mostly, sometimes since we are not perfect we can be down right nasty (yep)..,but if we choose to LOVE, we release God's Kingdom here on earth as it is in Heaven. Our choices make tangible experiences. Sheer love expressed can melt the hardest of hearts. God's love released through you can water the driest desert. Mighty, mighty things can happen just because we choose love.

I think the more love we see and release, the more tangible God's Kingdom is Experienced. A thought I have over and over is just caring for one another, kind of the way people would share in an AA (alcoholics Anonymous) meeting. It is real there in those meetings. So when people go to church, they have real hurts, problems, challenges, that, gee...they need to feel love, that's all. And not have to put on their church face. We just need each other. Period. And the world needs to see, and experience God's Love.

Bryan shared one time that we get the first of the two great commandments alright, to love God with all our hearts, and with tears and great visible weight on his heart, he struggled through saying it is the second one we have trouble with, to love our neighbor. He had had battles in choosing to love, but he chose love, he humbled himself to that choice and beat himself up when he missed the mark, until God's love assured him He loved him no matter what.

Bryan would be strengthened in heart from God's love and have courage to choose love towards others again. There was and is a great anointing on Bryan's life, that anointing was God's Love being sought and released from his life.

The power I am so hungry to see of God I know is released through the choice of LOVE. And of late, I am reminded to take captive of my thoughts and choose love. I know in times past, the choice of Love, always produced the most fruit and I have seen His power released through choosing Love.

So in closing, who can we choose to Love in our life. What can we lay down and die to, let go of, forgive, not that it is easy, we simply make the choice, God's Love will empower us to carry out our choices. As I saw my son do, and was so proud of him, we can dust ourselves off and choose love again.

I consider my self currently in the dusted off condition, lol. I choose love. I think the more we dust ourselves off and choose that, the more power of God is released in our world, I really do. ....tangibly.

I am so glad God's love will never fail!

That was the message I came across, this is me here and now writing. I find that at the end of the message I said I was currently in the dusted off position, but today after reading, I know I have some new dusting off to do. Little things creep in so easily. Many in the neatly gift wrapped packages from the enemy called "offenses". Those nasty little boogers! My goodness they are a daily thing sometimes, right? There was a time when every night at bed, I took the time to ask God to search my heart and reveal to me anywhere I was unpleasing to Him and ask His forgiveness. I even asked Him to forgive me for what I did unpleasing that I did not even know about! I have gotten out of that habit. I am starting that again tonight, well, even before tonight.... as soon as I post this, because I feel yucky stuff in me that slipped by and is laying in there in my heart a landing strip for more attacks from the enemy. I will spend time with God and let Him clean my heart up. 

Somewhere I had learned to open my heart up and let God in to help me weed out bad stuff. I can't believe I forgot that! How easily the cares of the world made me forget.  It is a much easier daily thing than to let it build up and not even know the extent of the offenses or just how many are in there.  If we listen to God's direction, He sure gave us good ones. Like guard your heart with all diligence for out of if flow the essence of life (something like that). Offenses stop the flow. I also used to say the Lord's prayer every night and prayed it over my family, my parents, both sets of grand parents and prayed it up the line, down the line, and across the line so all my relatives were covered. That makes a cross! By up the line, I mean their relatives above them, across the line for all the cousins and relations, and down the line is all the children from everyone. I think we have authority to pray for all our family. I can not believe I forgot to do this every night. The cares of the world again. 

So today is a new day! Thank God His mercies are new every morning! I have some offenses to face and give to the Lord for healing. I am looking forward to a clean heart. Praise the Lord His Love can do that! I am surprised and ashamed of all that I have let in my heart in the form of offense. I know better. So subtle are the plans of the enemy to undo us and rob our peace! Glory be to God, He is the healer and the heart cleaner upper and mender! If you are in need of a heart mending, I pray for you for courage to let Him in every wounded part and grace to accept His love in them and courage to forgive and let go. Your heart is most precious and He desires it to be full of life, not choked out by offenses and cares of the world. I know this to be true. Be made whole in Jesus Name. God bless you! 

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We learn how to be strong in our battles so we can help others. I share my stories to give hope. After Bryan's accident, it was too much for my husband. He left me. I don't have to tell you the pain that caused, if ever there was a time I needed someone in my life it was then. I stayed strong for Bryan. It is not because I am a strong person, it is just that I had to be strong because of things that happened to me in my life. God taught me how to turn to Him. Part one of my story, I shared about my mom leaving my siblings and I, she just left. You can imagine the sense of abandonment having my husband leave after I was abandoned as a child. There are no words to describe the pain when he left, but I can tell you one thing I did, I told the enemy, you will not break me. I will praise God all the days of my life. On my hardest days, I remember everything I have to be thankful for. On my unbearable days, I remember people are praying for me and I take comfort in that and I tell myself this is but for a season. And on the days I want to die, that is when I just cry and let God comfort me. I had a lot of those days early on.

I stay up all night with Bryan and sometimes in the wee hours despair tries to steal my heart. In regards to Bryan, my heart broke over and over with missing him and waiting on a miracle. It still breaks. It hurts. But in the midst of this pain, God does give me comfort and hope. I keep praying for a miracle. I will never stop. So many people are praying for Bryan right now, any new little thing I see I get all excited. I am thinking he is going to be healed! Two nights ago, I laid hands on him and told him to be healed in Jesus name, he was looking right at me. That has only happened a few times that he locks his eyes right on you. I prayed for quite awhile and hot tears ran down my face, they wouldn't stop! I told God, this is how this thing is suppose to work. You said believers would lay hands on the sick and they would recover, so You have to do this thing. I was serious, this is how it is suppose to work. So, I am am going to continue to believe for it. I keep telling Bryan he will go on missions all around the world like he was called to do. I know his spirit hears me. I also give him prayer request and tell him things you guys say. He has a lot of time in the bed and I am sure he likes things to occupy his thoughts!

I just wanted to say today, our battles give us strength and then we can help others. In part one, I left off where I was 15 years old. I did not share what happened right after that. It got bad. My mom let us know where she was, I went to live with her. She was still doing drugs. There was little food. I went to school, but got out early each day for a work/school program. The first thing I did when I got to work was take a break because we got one free meal. I had not had breakfast or the lunch at school. I was starving. Often that was the only meal I had for the day. And when I was not scheduled to work, there was not much to eat at home. The boss asked me why I took my break right away. I was embarrassed to tell him why, but I did. It was a hard time for me. On two different times there were rape attempts, I got away. I needed my mom. A drug addicted person can not be there for you. But God was there for me. I went into the bathroom, shut the door, got down on my hands and knees and prayed, God help me. I don't want to live like this, I can't take it. I was very, very, sad. I wept bitterly, and then suddenly, a peace came over me like I had never felt before. I know I felt God that day, I felt His Presence in that bathroom. The idea popped in my head to ask my Aunt Harriet if I could come live with her and go to a Christian school. I stood up off my knees. I felt hopeful and purposeful and all the pain was gone. It was just gone. I will never forget that feeling of peace. I visit it often. I asked my Aunt and she said I could live with her. I thank God she and her family opened their hearts and took me in. My life could have gone down a dark path back then. I saw so much ugliness, I did not want it. I have a soft heart. I wanted goodness. I wanted God. He helped me find Him!

To understand the joy I have in the Lord, and how deep His joy goes, in part one I said you would have to know how deep the pain went. Jump back to something that happened as a little girl I did not tell about. I was being a typical kid having been put to bed and sneaking back out because I did not want to go to bed. I was hanging out in the hall. My parents did not see me. I heard my Mother tell my Father she wished I had never been born. I don't remember how I processed that. I remember it hurt. I never forgot it. When I got older I felt so bad for that little girl standing in the hall not knowing what to do. I just wanted to hug her! I confronted my mother in my teens and she denied it. I knew what I heard. In my twenties, she admitted it and said I had been a bad child that day. That sure did not help me feel any better. I was a kid, kids are bad some days, that does not mean you wish they were not born. God took the pain from my heart that my mom did not even know I had. Later in my twenties I learned of scripture that said when your Mother and Father forsake you (a note to my biological Dad, you did not forsake me...just an example of scripture), The Lord will lift you up. I needed that scripture because I needed my Mom and she was not there. Later in life she did get right with the Lord, but not until I was in my thirties. She was still doing drugs and there were the troubles that go with that. Great troubles and sadness.

I will write the next time about how my husband and I got back together because of God's grace and a choice of Love. Sometimes it is not easy. Our family has been through tremendous stress. My husband and I had troubles before Bryan's accident. He is a recovering alcoholic, there were times he was not recovering. Only God can satisfy and give us true happiness and healing. Sometimes we are busy trying to make ourselves feel better with things, with food, with shopping, with TV, and for an addict, with drugs or alcohol. Those things will not take the pain away. It is a hard thing sometimes to say search my heart Lord and if there is anything there that needs to be taken out, take it. And sometimes, the enemy has beaten us down so low, our pain is so deep, we don't know how to feel better so we just keep trying with things that don't work. If you stop your world, drop down on your knees, and say "help me Lord", He will help you. He will help you with every battle you have. He will help with your pain and struggles. He will help your marriage, Just keep looking to Him. If you make a mistake, don't run away in shame, run to Him over and over again. He will give you Hope. Just lay down the things that hurt you at His feet at the cross. Lay it all down and let Him Love you. Call out to Him. He will come. He will love you and give you grace to love others. Your life can change in one prayer. And it can be as simple as Help me Jesus.

You can follow me on my Facebook community page to be notified of future art or stories, just hit the like button on the page and from that same button select get notifications. You can find part one at the bottom of my blog or on lion pic in the comment section of post pinned to the top of my Art page. That Lion pic has all my stories so far inside it and can be shared. I will continue to add stories here and there. Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope my stories and art bless you! Please share if you know someone who would be touched. Thank you so much! God bless!

PART 7: Thanks for liking and sharing Facebook friends. This was a hard story to write. I know this is long but there was a lot to tell. Thanks for reading. The challenges in the hospital when Bryan was fighting for his life stung as I relived it telling the story. The very dangerous conditions of the nursing home almost brings back a panic attack! While Bryan was in the hospital, I never left his side, I just couldn't, except when they asked me to leave the room. Little did I know at the time I would be taking him home and doing everything myself that they did when they asked me to leave the room. The doctors told me Bryan was not going to make it. I sent out an emergency prayer to a friend, Kathie Walters. She posted the request and thousands of people responded with prayers and support from all over the world. To this day they have stood by my family. I had to stop writing a minute to cry. I would not have made it without the prayers and support. I can never put into words the pain, and fear, and panic of seeing my Son fight for his life. All I could do was keep breathing and praying and I rested knowing people were praying. Although I had great fear inside, I gave it to the Lord. His peace was so strong that the room was saturated in it.

The nurses that came into the room felt it. I was told that they felt in in the hall before they even got to the room and that the nurses were talking about it and about me, how they did not know how I could be so calm. They had seen trauma like this and my reaction was not typical. It is because I so fell into God and the room was so covered in prayer, His peace was there. It was tangible. I would have died without it. There was still fear in my heart, but God overrode it with His peace. That peace that passes understanding, it's real!

Bryan was in the intensive care unit for weeks. He was in the hospital for 6 weeks. They moved him from the intensive care unit to a normal floor and he STOPPED BREATHING! He had come out of surgery to have that skin graft done over his hip area where all the skin had been scraped off from where the second vehicle had dragged him across the pavement when they ran over him. His heart rate was through the roof. I had learned to take it and I used it to gauge when he needed pain meds since he could not tell me. I told the nurses he was in pain. I asked them to please give him something. They said they had to get approval from the doctor. I half fussed at them, well, I fussed at them, hurry up and do it then. I sat there rubbing his head trying to soothe him. He started shaking. I called out to the nurse and said, "Do something, NOW!" They left the room to go page the doctor. Then he stopped breathing and I screamed for the nurse, I started praying out loud and I think I half scared the nurse. She hit the code button and started bagging him. She bagged, I prayed. I prayed like crazy! I could see she was scared to death. Suddenly doctors and nurses and all kinds of people flooded the room. It is all kind of a blur now. I stepped back while they did their thing and continued to pray. Bryan started breathing. The one doctor yelled out, did his heart stop? The nurse bagging him said she did not know, she was too busy bagging him. They gave him pain meds and his heart rate came back down. I made sure they stayed on top of keeping him comfortable. No one knows if he died at that moment because they did not know if his heart stopped. But to me, when he stopped breathing, I started praying and calling him back.

At this point there had been so many things that had gone wrong in his care I became a very strong advocate for him. The plastic surgeon even told me they had not done his graft when it should have been done because they were thinking he was going to die and he could not believe they had left him like that. He had a huge gaping wound on his hip for weeks. I might go into later all the mistakes made, but it suffices to say surgeries that were needed were not given, meds that were not suppose to be given to him were given, and some that he should have had were forgotten. I started monitoring every single thing that was bought into the room and I made it known no one was to give my son anything without my approval. I also started giving the meds myself in his tummy tube. I asked them to just leave them on the tray. I did his food, which at the time was formula and a feeding pump. I learned how to work it. Now that he is at home I give him fruits and veggies and all kinds of healthy stuff pureed and put in his tummy tube. I watched them suctioning his trach and sometimes they were to busy to come in and do it, so I just started doing it myself. I started doing everything. I told them I was taking him home. With that said, the wound care nurse came in and taught me how to do his wound care. Up until that time, they had made me leave the room while they did it. It was quite ghastly. The huge gash down his stomach was the worse. It was not stitched together. You could see all the fat and tissue. I was kind of afraid but told myself, suck it up, you are going to do this. And that was that, I did not allow myself to be overwhelmed. I was going to take care of Bryan.

I took him to the nursing home first because of all the open wounds I was afraid of infection. I found out later, home would have been a safer choice. When you have never been exposed to all this, you don't know. The nursing home was a disaster. Bryan is so tall he did not fit the bed. His feet hung off and I had to pad the foot board with diapers. I told them this was not acceptable. I used that word a lot over the next few weeks! I went to suction him because he was choking and the suction machine would not work. Unacceptable! They grabbed another and it did not work. Finally a third one with Bryan now hacking and gagging it finally worked. Excuse me, I realize I am venting a little. It was horrible. Then one day I happen to look at his water bottle and thought, I have never seen anyone change it. I open it up, mold is inside! They have been using the same water cup and never changed it. I was appalled. I had already started doing things at the hospital for Bryan's care. After all that had happened I got to the point I would not let anyone touch Bryan. That may sound crazy of me, but if you had seen all the wrongful care given, you would have done the same! I looked at his trach the one day and got out a little dixie cup and started filling it with all this crusty nasty junk from off the trach underneath where it went into his airway. I was appalled. I asked the head nurse are they cleaning this. Her answer, "they should be". it was her answer to everything! The same thing happened to his tummy tube. I happened to look and see all kinds of puss and yuck where they had not cleaned it underneath the cover. I am a Mom, not a nurse. They were suppose to be doing these things. I had taken over the wound care bravely, but at this point, the trach and tummy tube had been cared for by the health professionals. And to be honest, the trach still freaked me out a little bit. Needless to say, I added it to my list of, "I'll do it."

Bryan ends up having a massive seizure and goes to the hospital by ambulance. I come to find out that when they discharged him from the hospital, they had read his orders wrong and only given him half the dose of his seizure meds. Hence the seizure came on. I begged them to not send him back to that nursing home. I was waiting for approval for a comcare waiver that would pay for supplies and things at home. It had been weeks and I had not heard anything. I was told he had to go back and then I could put in a transfer to another nursing home. I was explaining to the human resources person what had been going on. I mentioned suctioning his trach and it not being cleaned and she asked about them suctioning him. I said they never did, only me. While I am begging....and I can tell you praying!....the ambulance gurney is right outside his door waiting to take him back. The lady comes back and tells me, don't worry, we will not send him back there. They are not even licensed to provide care for a trach patient! I was so relived. So we hang out there at the hospital while we wait for him to get his scull cap put back on.

Back to the prayers being prayed for us. I could not have made it without them. I am not kidding when I talk about all the mismanaged care. I just could not leave Bryan. He would have been dead had I, I just know it. I was told by nurses that exact same thing, the good nurses, and they said it was good I was staying by his side and fighting for him. For months, I slept in cat naps, no solid sleep, at all. Prayers helped me make it. I faced the challenges of everyday head on. He had a lot of complications early on. And on the outside, the situation looked hopeless. It took a lot of courage to face it. Prayers gave me that courage. Prayers are God's strength called down for you. I am so thankful for all the people that prayed. And that still pray! I still have hard days. My family still has hard days. We miss Bryan.

I will make the rest of this story short because there is something God has on my heart to say. We end up getting to go to another nursing home after his skull cap is put back on. Bryan through all this time has been mostly unresponsive. However, before the massive seizure at the other nursing home, when you called his name, he would turn his head. He stopped that after that seizure. He had a couple check ups at the hospital and a Trauma doctor comes in and just wanted to tell me he admired me as a mother. It made me cry inside but I did not let the tears come out. He said whenever he saw that Bryan had been admitted or if he noticed he had an appointment, he always checked to see how he was. He really wanted Bryan to make it. He told me not many moms would do what I had done. I find that hard to believe, I know a lot of Moms who would. When I told him I can't imagine, he said it is like they close down to protect their heart. They stop coming around, it is too painful. I guess having your son lying there fighting for his life and the doctors saying there is no hope could make a person feel that way. Bryan's condition was really bad. It is not like he had his tonsils removed. The situation was dire. But to me, my hope was in God, not what the doctors said.

We spend about 6 weeks at the other nursing home. I take care of him the whole time. Again, prayers from everyone help me get through it. I only went to this nursing home because they said I could stay with my son. I told them I would not leave his side. The administrator comes in one day and tells me because there are other patients in the room now, I have to leave. I tell her I am not leaving. I was quite firm about it. I had learned to be quite firm about a lot of things. If you have a loved one in healthcare, a hospital, a nursing home, be firm with no fear or intimidation about your concerns and if you have any trouble report it, until you are satisfied. Don't just take what seems to be wrong and think there is nothing you can do. You can, make a stink! Anyway, I have been waiting all this time for a comcare waiver to kick in so I can take my son home. I need a hospital bed, nebulizer, humidification, feeding pump, supplies, a ramp to be able to even get him in and out of home! The administrator comes back with two other people, one is a higher up of some sort. I tell them straight up, I came here because you said I could stay with my son. I am not leaving him. If I have to, I will get friends and we will carry him out of here on a sheet and I will take him home and find money to pay for all his medical equipment, I am not leaving him. You can call the police on me or whatever you have to do, but I am not leaving. And I stared her down. She then says insurance will cover the medical things now. I am like, What?!!! I have been waiting all this time for this so I can take him home and you mean to tell me I could have at anytime? I was told later they made a lot of money with Bryan staying there. Alot. No one told me I could leave. Again, when you have never been in this kind of situation, you don't know. I tell her, well discharge him. I want to take him home now! It took a few days to get the insurance in order and the equipment at home. Insurance would not approve a bigger bed so we tie a box on top of it to make it long enough. The bed I would need cost $30.000 I don't have $30,000 so we tie a box! You can see it in the beginning of the comment section of the Lion. It is terrible they don't provide a bed that fits.

So we go home!!! And, it is a good thing I am used to no sleep. The comcare waiver that was suppose to take 3 months, took almost a year. One day I will tell a little about those long days. For now, I don't know how I even did it except for God. Period. I can remember being so tired, I willed my legs to move. Love will empower you to do the impossible. Love, prayers, God, faith, perseverance, courage. I was not going to give up. I will never give up on HOPE. And on believing for a miracle. And uHtil that day, I will be here for my son. He is loved, not only by me, but his family and people everywhere praying for this kid! I say kid because he is the baby of the family. He was 22 when he was hit by the two cars. He just turned 28 on July 28th, 2014. I still have a lot to say about all that we have been through. I just wanted to share some of the medical struggles. The heart struggles were tough and I want to share more later with hopes it will bring hope. Sometimes, that is all you have. But it is enough. Because God will see you through what ever you may face. Never give up.

What was on my heart to write tonight before I got into Bryan's medical story was to pick up where I left off from Part 1, in the Lion picture. I left off where I said I was 15 years old. I was sharing how God had prepared me for what I would face with Bryan's accident and teaching me to turn to Him. While that time frame was going on in my life when I was young, I shared that I had wanted God, not all the bad things and drugs I had seen around me. I had been judged from teachers and friends parents because of my Mom being a drug dealer. Please know His love helped her and later in life she came to know Him and all her relationships were healed. She was blessed, it is never too late! Anyway, I was looked down on. I was talked about. I wrote part 4 (in the comment section of the Lion post -can be found on my Facebook page or further down blog section here) from a place in my heart where Bryan and I had both been. Feeling not good enough, rejected and looked down on. Please read it, it is a good encouragement and please share these stories if you know someone who would be blessed, one of them or the Lion that has all of them.

While I was being looked down on, my friends told me their parents said I was a bad influence and would not let them hang around me. I had not done anything wrong. Remember I wanted to go to church and not be a part of the drug scene? I had straight A's. I was a great sister to the point I was actually the Mom. Yet I did not fit societies prim and proper expectations. Which I shared in part 5 about religions lack of love, which is worse than societies lack of love! Of all things, religion should love, right?! Religion demands though, God loves. I had God kind of love come into my life, just like I shared happened to Bryan in part 4. People were moved by compassion toward me, not everyone judged. I tasted God through these people that loved. I only experienced shame and hurt through the ones that judged.

The youth pastor at my church knew all that was going on in the home. He never said a word about it. He never gave me a list of you should not do this or do that or if you don't stop this you are going to hell. He was there through the whole journey of while I turned my life over to God. Remember I said I did do drugs awhile? He knew that. God was dealing with me about how I should live, God was making me hungry for goodness. I did not need to be told I was going to go to hell if I did not change. I needed a friend, I needed love. This Pastor was one of the most influential persons in my life. He would come by and sit on the porch step with me and talk. He would ask me how I was. If I needed anything. He would tell me God loved me and that he loved me. I felt it. He was real. He was not religious and he was not about building his people church for membership, he was about building a people church of flesh and blood, building God's people, the real Church, not the building. Love is so powerful.

This same Pastor that showed me so much love got kicked out of the church because he got baptized in the Holy Ghost. I went to a Baptist church, they don't believe in that. I was so sad. I did not want to go to the church after that. I already was very sad about the church before that. One of the girls in the church choir had invited a friend to church. The friend she invited was African American. She was told she was not allowed in the church. This is in the South, in North Carolina. I did not know that was said at the time. I found out the following Sunday when the girl from the choir stood up and called the elders in the church a bunch of hypocrites. She said you call yourself a Christian?! She let them have it. I was very young, and I was appalled to hear what had happened. This girl was a senior in high school. She became my hero at that moment. I was so proud of her for speaking out. A little bit of her spirit got into me that day! I did not go back to that church. I went to the high school where my youth Pastor now held church where everyone was invited, no matter of the color of your skin. I needed God in my life. I needed the love. I was still judged, and it still hurt, but I went after God and He sent people to love me.

I spent a lot of my early years trying to earn God's love. I did not know I did not have to earn it. I had no idea what unconditional love looked like. I had seen a lot of conditions put on God's love, including not accepting you into church because of the color of your skin. I was just a kid and I was judged for another;s life style. How mean were the parents of my friends. Instead of reaching out they shunned me. But God, he sent people that loved me. What is happening is, some people are listening to Him, not religion, because He wants us to love. I had this one teacher step in and save the day for me. This is not what you might think of as love, but I still remember her kindness to this day. I had borrowed a cousins gown for prom because I did not have enough money to buy one. This was not my prom year but I had been invited to someones. I smoked pot that night. The gown had a sheer cape that went around it, chiffon or something like that. Pot seeds sometimes burst while you are smoking. They landed on the cape and burnt little holes in the edges. I was so upset and scared and figured I was going to get into a lot of trouble. There was a teacher that had been nice to me. She was the science teacher and home economics. I told her I had accidentally burned it smoking a cigarette. She smiled at me and said a cigarette, huh? I knew she knew it was pot. She said she could fix it for me. She cut it and resewed the edges for me. I needed grace at that time, not a lecture. I loved that lady for helping me. I will never forget her!

I learned so much about love from the sprinklings of a few people scattered throughout my life. I pray you are one of the people that love like that and I pray you have people that love you like that. I still had a lot to learn. I still do. But I can remember way back then still trying to earn God's love. It was not until shortly before Bryan's accident that I learned more about that I did not have to earn God's love. I listened to a teaching from Kathie Walters that helped me wrap my head around the trappings of religion. I will find the link to it and put it in the comment section. It helped me so much. I keep bringing myself around to the heart of a little kid that just knows God loves me. I have learned I do not have to be perfect. I don't mean I go out and act all mean or commit crimes, etc. I mean that my own self judging heart is a little easier on myself and I KNOW HE LOVES ME. I know HE LOVES YOU, TOO! It just is. And people show that love all the time, and if it's judgement you feel, it is religion. God's love brings such comfort. He will convict you if needed, but it is a gentle heart thing that moves you, and He will continue to work on an area if needed. HE SITS WITH YOU ON THE FRONT PORCH AND ASK ARE YOU OK! He is concerned with your heart. His arms are wide open regardless of how messed up your family may look to the world.

I am not telling the story as well as I would like. I don't know how to share how hard I tried to earn God's love and even today I will find myself trying to earn it. I just know he does and I so want to convey that to you, that you don't have to earn it. You are so precious to Him! Whatever you would think that might prevent that love to you, I pray you see it can't. Nothing can keep God's love from you. He is so happy to have you. He is not seeing your mistakes, He is loving you through them. HE CARES. Of all the things I ever learned in my life, learning I did not have to earn God's love was the most important. That opened the floodgate to pass that same love along! God is so good, I pray you taste and see that the LORD IS GOOD. I pray you escape the trappings of religion. God bless you. I will write more later.

I invite you to visit my art page I set up to honor Bryan. www.facebook.com/Propheticartjustforyou. Please remember to hit the like button while there so you can find me again if you want a painting later. You can select get notifications from that same button if you want to be notified of future art or stories. And please share and invite your friends if you know someone who would like it. I hope my paintings are a blessing! Prints and paintings available at www.JustForYouPropheticArt.com  Also if you share these stories on your wall you can find them later. I pray the stories bless you and ask you share them if you know someone who would be touched. Thank you so much. Love, Bryan's Mom (Pam) 

to to read my testimony and part one of Bryan's story, please click this link,  www.pamherrick.com/inspirational-prophetic-art-and-story.html